


Along Came Earth

by Flynncantation



Category: South Park
Genre: Actually double tentacle sex, Craig is a slut, Craig wants to be boned by an alien, M/M, Space Fucking, Tentacle Sex, Tweek hasn't been laid in a while, Tweek's perspective, Why is no one surprised, alien dick, kink meme fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 19:01:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15735477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flynncantation/pseuds/Flynncantation
Summary: Tweek has always longed for purpose and belonging. And it’s not until he happens upon less-evolved planet Earth that he finally thinks he might have found his purpose in the multiverse.And he goes by the name Craig.





	Along Came Earth

**Author's Note:**

> This is written alongside a South Park kink meme fill. I jumped on the bandwagon. I'm Flynnical on tumblr. Find me there, if you like! : )

Tweek will admit aimlessly floating around space gathering data is not the job he wanted growing up. Most planets are the epitome of boring, so boring that if Tweek had to spend longer than an appropriate planetary day there, he’d use his state issued assimilator to nullify himself out of existence. A nice, quick, painless death. Clean, too. Harporiom blood is highly acidic, after all, and a bitch to clean up. Better to cease to exist than to inflict that on poor, hard-working first responders just looking to warp home quick after a long tiring day caring for races that more often than not are responsible for their own injuries.

Having recently abandoned (or more like swiftly ejected from) his most recent project which turned out to be an exceptionally toxic death-trap with equally toxic inhabitants who wanted nothing more than to crunch his bones to atomic dust, Tweek had found himself at a loss of where to go next. 

This galaxy is awfully empty, he’d thought, flicking his holographic map, projected across the screen curved around him, off and on and off and on. There’s little around for light years, only the occasional lonely, empty planet inhabited by whirlwinds of shrapnel or noxious gas or eye-melting, corrosive heat. No. Thank you. 

Tweek considers calling his parents and then swiftly changes his mind, reminding himself that part of the reason he’s pricking about in space in the first place is to get the heck away from their infuriatingly mollycoddling ways and prove to them he can be independent and that he definitely doesn’t need their hand-outs. 

His mother had cried when he set off and his father had mournfully warned him this may very well be the last time they ever see him (Hopefully, Tweek had thought, but he’d bitten his tongue and dutifully climbed aboard his brand new, very own research spacecraft, feigning sadness with a wave as he’d initiated launch and begun his escape from the utterly mundane). Continuing, his father had regaled him with tales of the dangers out there in the bleak, black depths of space; the Ipneos beasts that stalked small vessels, able to pull souls from the body to feast on; the violent Cawthc’ah who took offence if one so much as blew their nose in their presence and tossed them into an asylum of their most maniacal.

It was with these things in mind that Tweek still made the firm decision that it was time to go. 

Tweek didn’t hate his planet exactly. He didn’t hate his life. He didn’t hate anything in particular, only the all-consuming sensation that he was drifting through life without a single purpose to attach himself to. Or a single someone. 

Lonely, that was, is, how he felt. Friends around him were growing up, moving on, moving in with significant others. And he had the distinct feeling he was being left behind. So he did he only sensible thing he could think of, and he left them all behind instead, jumping at the opportunity to become a researcher for the Intergalactic Space Association, spending three Harporia years planet-hopping, data-mining. 

It was all going splendidly until he’d warped into the Milky Way. 

And then along came Earth. 

—

“What the hell?” Tweek murmurs, scrubbing sleep from his eyes after being woken from deep slumber by the high pitched thrill of his alarm eagerly letting him know something is trying to get his attention. 

“This guy again?” he grumbles, sinking into the pilot seat with a weary sigh, jabbing a few controls to zoom into the location. It’s a spot a mile outside of a place called Area 51. Tweek scans in the coordinates to read more about it, nose wrinkling in distaste at what he discovers. A number of foreign corpses are stored on the place, his scanner detects. He shrieks when a hologram of a Villia corpse slides into view, anxiously casting it aside with the flick of his wrist and shoving down the urge to vomit over the controls.If he had, it wouldn’tve been for the first time.... 

“Fucking crazy humans,” he mutters, swiping a hand through sleep damp hair before reaching for his water. It tastes like it’s been left in a dark cupboard for a light year but he swallows the lot anyway. 

That freaky little human is out there again, waving his signs around as he rambles through burnt yellow cornfields, binoculars attached to his face like he’s a beastly little flygulgnat from quadrant twelve. His navy jumper has “THEY’RE OUT THERE” emblazoned in silver, accompanied by what Tweek can only describe as a crude version of the Villia known for kidnapping foreign races for the pure comedy of fucking them up (which explains why so many dead ones are currently being picked apart and prodded on cold medical tables).

For their efforts there’s a whole television series dedicated to it back home. Humans are notably one of the dumbest races out of all of them. But Tweek has always found them kind of cute in their own special way, the way they start wars over fairy tales, their crude technology, their obsession with those sort of sweet looking little four legged things that come in hundreds of shapes and sizes with the fur and the snout and that little thing that swings back and forth when they’re particularly happy. 

And other strange behaviours: The way humans express love, nuzzling noses, holding hands, licking one another’s tongues. 

The latter is gross. Or at least, that’s what Tweek always hears. Yet, when he thinks about it enough it makes the wriggling thing in his pants throb and he wonders if he’s some kind of freak for finding the idea of winding his nethers around a human tongue, damp and warm and firm, kind of ridiculously hot. And that’s always what makes him open up his tech and navigate to that popular porn site specialising in inter-race interaction that gets his wiggle all a-jiggle. 

Coughing into his hand, Tweek focuses his attention back on the screen, slamming his fist into the alarm to shut the damn thing off before he smashes his head into the self destruct button concealed behind a layer of thick glass. If this shitty little human disturbs his sleep one more time... 

This is the third night in a row this weirdo has been cavorting around what Tweek would describe as dangerous and creepy areas of planet Earth. Although, the majority of Earth seems dangerous and creepy to Tweek, especially based on that one course he took on the history of Earthling existence back when he was desperately seeking top-up modules for his Intergalactic Film Studies degree.

Naturally, as is the case for so many multillennials, it’s a useless degree that has brought no value whatsoever to his sad existence. 

Well, Tweek has to admit, this queer little human is at least interesting - tenacious even, holding aloft a sign saying TAKE ME WITH YOU. 

What a dumbass.

Although as humans go, Tweek thinks he’s sort of pretty if you look past those strange mute eyes and hair. But even that in itself Tweek finds intriguing, more so the eagerness in his gaze, the way his eyes never move from the vast and black unexplored expanse stretched above as if he knows something, somewhere, is looking back.  

“Fucking Hell, he knows I’m here!” Tweek yells, near diving sideways to reach the control buttons allowing him to turn on cloaking. Heart hammering Tweek then returns to the Pilot seat, dabbing his sweaty brow with the hem of his shirt and resuming his scrutiny with a little more wariness. 

Today the human has company, two other rather mundane looking humans trailing behind the first. One of them has somewhat off-putting hair atop his head, wiry and...orange. Very orange. And what Tweek has learnt are called _spectacles_ balanced on his thin, sharp nose, some archaic tool to improve vision. The other human , Tweek vaguely recognises from a research piece part of his course, a wildly inaccurate show called _Star_ _Trek_ that had apparently hugely misinformed the entirety of the human race about life in outer space.

“Bunch of freaks…” he mutters, and then feels bad about it since he’s not what his race would could consider the “norm” either. Tweek had always been considered “special” but the word had always held a note of scorn, of detriment that had never improved his self-esteem and instead made him feel like the outsider he always had been. Sure he’s had friends, a girlfriend or boyfriend or two, but they’d never had much of an impact on him and the relationships had rarely lasted beyond a few months. And, he could never quite put his finger on precisely why, but... most of them bored the crap out of him… 

Tweek is admittedly a little disappointed when the humans give up for the night, though he refuses to admit it to himself. He watches them slink back towards civilisation, his “favourite” specimen seeming particularly downtrodden and disappointed to have discovered nothing out of the ordinary. Tweek wishes he could tell them they’re very much looking in the wrong place, but there are rules. So many rules Tweek is still trying to memorise, many of which he’s fairly certain he’s already broken and have been recorded so when he does finally get home he’ll get the bollucking of a lifetime from his superiors and no doubt be ejected from the association faster than a goopnack can fly. 

Sighing, Tweek shuts down the main systems and wearily climbs back into bed. 

—

After a time the human moves. Instead of a bustling city he shifts to what Tweek assumes is his home, an odd little town amidst the mountains. It thrums with an energy Tweek has rarely encountered, something dark like a shadow watching him in his periphery. It entices him nearer, encouraging him to set up shop not too far out from the town itself. He doesn’t dare linger closer where that energy is strongest, like a flickering neon sign warning him danger is ahead.

Instead Tweek carefully maneuvers his spacecraft in a field a couple of miles out, shielded from view by gargantuan trees Tweek makes a mental note to examine when he’s finished with his current project. 

It’s the night when the four legged milk-vendors are chattering again (gossiping, Tweek thinks, the two-faced little crap-monsters) that he knows something is up. Tweek knows they know he’s watching and it pisses him off, but he isn’t ready to switch off his communicator yet and so he continues to spy, enraptured by whatever it is this human is attempting to achieve. He hasn’t been doing nearly enough work, but at this point he doesn’t care too much. This is the most intriguing thing that has happened to him since...ever. 

The human is getting close and it’s making the - what did humans call them, “cows”? - the  _ cows _ fidgety in ways Tweek can sense like the fizzle of energy in the air before the first crack of thunder. They’re definitely up to something. They’re fucking up to something and Tweek doesn’t like it one bit.  

The closer the human gets, the noisier the cows become, the sound a raucous cacophony Tweek wishes he could just tune out, but he swears the sound is inside his head and has nothing to do with his very sensitive pointed ears currently vibrating to indicate there is absolutely something going on, something is happening and fucking hell Tweek needs to get out of there right now!

Launching for the controls he fires up the ship, slamming thrust up to midway and, still standing, grips the controls and lurches upwards. With a high-pitched whine the craft leaves the ground and heaves into the air. Briefly hovering whilst Tweek engages the flight drive, he can hear the human screaming words but can’t quite make out what they are.   

Pausing he rushes to the communicator, swelling suddenly with excited energy because he’s been  _ seen _ and it’s too late to take it back. The stupid human is running after him, arms wildly waving, jumping as though he might actually reach, that damn moron. 

“God dammit, leave me alone!” Tweek shouts, making a motion as if to shoo away an annoying animal. “What’s your problem man!”

The human doesn’t stop, in fact he speeds his space as though he heard. And then Tweek snaps, sliding open a panel in front of him and tanking on the lever to initiate the tractor beam. 

An overbearing bright flash of white snatches Tweek’s vision away the moment his craft starts flight. Spots in his eyes, Tweek checks the controls to make sure nothing was damaged in take-off, or by those meddling cows. Whatever the hell they were up to. 

“What the fuck did you do?” he grumbles in their general direction, relieved to discover he’s at least made it back into space unharmed, the ship is fine. He pats down various areas of the ship to make certain, and then—

“Jesus Christ!”

The human. The human is there. He’d stolen a human. Oh god he was going to jail for kidnapping! He was going to be put away for the rest of his life for breaking one of the Association’s most fundamental rules. No Abductions. 

No. No, but wait, the human had begged to come. He’d begged and Tweek had acquiesced. There was no way Tweek had abducted him and he had proof! There was proof on the ship’s system and also that ridiculous sign the human was still clutching in both hands. 

Swallowing thickly, Tweek nudges him with his boot. The human doesn’t move, doesn’t make a sound. With a little more force, Tweek nudges him again, unsure if he even wants the guy to wake up at this point. 

Groaning, he bends down to hook both arms underneath his and gracelessly hoists him up, the sign abandoned on the floor. “Bony ass,” Tweek says quietly, effortlessly dragging the human across the floor to a seat and dropping him into it, tapping a button to bring two belts secure around him. For good measure (and because he’s a paranoid wreck at the best of times) Tweek clamps a set of cuffs around the human’s wrists then steps back a few paces to look him over. 

He hopes the tractor beam didn’t have any side-effects because Tweek is by no means prepared to use the first aid system and the last thing he wants to do is contact first responders again. The last time had been because Tweek had eaten something on the DO NOT CONSUME list and he’d assumed that was it, that was the end, the jig was well and truly up and his life was going to end with as much finesse and excitement as it had started and since transpired. But no, Tweek merely had ended up with three days of chronic shits that had him sleeping on the bathroom floor drenched in sweat. 

Bending forward to get a closer look but still at an adequately out-of-arms-reach distance, Tweek scrutinises him. His skin is olive in tone, smooth but for the tickle of dark hairs thicker in some places than others. The hair on his head isn’t so different to his own - sunshine yellow, bright like the star with shimmers of sunset orange and peach. The human’s is jet black with the faintest hue of blue, messily styled unlike his own untameable mop. 

Tweek huffs, standing straight again. Feeling somewhat more at ease he waves a hand over the panel to his right, and out slides a small seat on which he perches himself, leaning forward on his knees. 

He wants to see his eyes up close. He wants to know what he looks like, all the little intricacies he has that are so different to himself. The feel of his skin, the scent of it. Does it blossom blue when he’s embarrassed. Are humans capable of such emotions? 

Tweek snorts, figuring this human in particular has a lot to be embarrassed about, running around fields in the dead of night begging foreign races well beyond his comprehension to abduct him. 

Well, it had worked, so who should be more embarrassed..?

“Dammit, what’ve I gone and done?” he sighs, scrubbing his eyes. “Where the hell am I supposed supposed to put you? I’ve only got one bed, you know! You sleep in beds right? Well you can’t have mine!”

Tweek casts a cursory look over him as though he’s in any position to contest the fact. “Did you ever even think his through? There’s a reason humans haven’t explored space yet, not even your own tiny galaxy. What am I meant to feed you! Your lot are carnivores! I’m not bringing that shit onto my ship, you know, no way man!”

“And another thing, what’s up with blowing things up all the time? You’re always squabbling amongst yourselves. You’re really gonna hurt someone some day. Plus your movies about invasions? Come on man, ain’t nobody got the time or resources for that. Plus it would be such a HR issue and those guys are assholes.”

Tweek huffs pointedly, pulling out his body scanner to give the human a once over. Nothing too out of the ordinary, a couple of muscle strains but that’s to be expected. With little else to say or do until he wakes up, Tweek decides he’s very much in need of a shower and lifts to his feet. 

He looks the human over once more and sarcasticallymchirrups, “don’t go anywhere!”

—

“Uh,” the human started. 

Great. With all of humanity to choose from, Tweek has shacked up with a moron. Conversations are going to be a real blast. And God he really likes the sound of his own voice because the guy will not just stop fucking talking for five iota. Tweek watches him yammering away with no slight hint of irritation, and then finally he stops, sucks in a breath and says in a tone that’s strange to Tweek’s ears, but not unfamiliar, a nasally lull that isn’t unpleasant either:

“Hello.” 

So maybe he’s capable of basic conversation after all.

“I come in peace?”

Tweek wonders if he’s fucking with him, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “I uh, I mean no harm. I’m but a uh, ambassador I guess? Of Earth? I mean I know you picked me up in a field but I study astronomy and I’ve read a lot about SETI so I guess I’m kind of qualified?”

On the other hand, maybe the human really is the one who should be very embarrassed after this display. Some ambassador, jabbering like a guilty schoolboy caught whacking off in the janitor’s closet. He looks nervous then, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. ““Thank you, by the way. For picking me up I mean. I thought you wouldn’t notice me,”

How could Tweek not have noticed some crazed human stalking him like prey, somehow wheedling his way into his thoughts in such a way that Tweek had a distinct moment of complete and utter idiocy and decided to let him tag along upon request. Or desperate plea. Was this a human trick? A strange gift they had, to manipulate other sentient beings into doing whatever they wanted...

“Look, I’m no good at talking. And I realise that I’m talking English to you like you have any idea what the fuck I’m saying-”

Tweek barks with laughter, arms unfolding to gesture around the ship. “We have the technology to travel faster than the speed of light, and you think we don’t have universal translators?”

“Why were you just letting me say all that shit then?” the human protests. It sounds terribly whiny, Tweek thinks, and at the same time finds it sort of...cute. “You could have said something!”

“Why should I have to?” Tweek snaps, annoyed this being thinks he has to do anything at all for him. He jabs a long finger his way, taking a few steps into the room. “You’re the one who’s been stalking me. What’s your problem, man!?”

“Stalking..?” the human trails off, bewildered. “I didn’t even know aliens were really out there until tonight!”

“Sure you didn’t!” Tweek bites, throwing his arms in the air. He holds up his hand to prove to the human that he knew exactly what he’d been up to and he isn’t going to fall for any kind of ruse, oh no. Tweek gestures to the image his conjured, swiping across to the next. “I’ve been trying to do my damned job and you keep showing up, begging me to take you with me  with your dumbass signs. What’s your deal?” 

The human falls quiet, seeming crestfallen. 

“I’m not- I don’t have a _ deal _ okay? I’m just… an enthusiast,” he says. Tweek doesn’t believe him.

“Enthusiast? I bet you are. I bet you can’t wait to take me apart and see how I work, and then steal all this technology!” he shrieks, pointing that same long finger at him once more. When the human’s eyes follow the path of his hand he drops, fists clenching.

“No!” the human protests. “I have no interest in harming you. I just… I’ve always wanted to meet someone like you. You’re kind of everything I’ve been looking for in life.”

Huh. Well, Tweek has lived a long life, but that’s definitely the first time anyone has ever said something like that to him. It makes a shiver of warmth settle over him, a sensation of actually having a purpose, a  _ raison d’etre, _ that thing he’s sure he’s been searching for all this time, the reason he made the decision to ditch home, friends and family and become an explorer of space, an individual gifted with the responsibility of drawing on the intelligence of space and bringing it home to utilise and develop. 

“Why? There’s seven-point-six-three billion of you on Earth. Surely you can find  _ someone  _ interesting enough to satisfy your curiosity.”

The human’s small laugh takes him by surprise, at the simple sound the tension sinking out of his shoulders. Maybe this odd little human isn’t the ominous threat Tweek is making him out to be. Maybe they’re a lot more alike than he originally thought...

“Nah,” the human says. “I’m not exactly what most people consider  _ normal _ . But I’m sure you’ve realised that by now.”

Chewing the inside of his cheek, Tweek mournfully answers, “Yeah, I kind of know what you mean.”

“My name’s Craig,” the human continues. “I promise I’m not a threat. And I didn’t mean to come across as creepy. I just… really wanted to meet someone like you.”

Tweek regards him carefully, but his visage of wariness is slowly beginning to seep away. What could a puny little human do to someone like him anyway? He glances to the screen to the left of the human -  _ Craig’s  _ \- head, humming thoughtfully. 

“Well, you seem to think that’s the truth anyway, since your vitals show no signs that indicate you’re lying,” he remarks. “I guess I can tell you my name, since we’re apparently doing that. It’s Tweek.”

“Tweek?” 

“Urgh, you’re not saying it right, but I guess you’re only human. You’re not used to such nuances,” Tweek complains. “But yes, Tweek.  _ Craig  _ sounds as weird to me as my name does to you, I assure you.”

“I don’t think it’s weird. I think it’s cute,” Craig says. The descriptor startles Tweek, who frowns slowly in confusion. Back at home his name definitely was not considered cute, it was just another annoyance he couldn’t control that made him “special”. 

“You find my name attractive?” he replies. “You really are an odd one.”

“Uh, yeah I guess,” Craig says. Is that a bit of colour blooming in his cheeks? Pink, not blue, the colour radiating up to his ears. Interesting. “Hey, um, my back hurts. Do you think I could get my hands back?”

Tweek regards him, eyes slit with mistrust. “I’ll let you stand, but the cuffs stay on. You humans can be violent and you like to prod first, ask questions later.”

Craig’s flush darkens, spreading down his neck. Finally, Tweek moves forward and leans down, taking a moment to absorb the scent of him. Whatever its origin, it isn’t a natural scent; it’s something chemical laced with powders and ingredients Tweek can’t place, things very much created by humanity as some means for cloaking their personal scent - perhaps a way to avoid predators? Tweek doesn't hate it. But he’s curious to know what this human’s actual smell is.

The cuffs clunk when Tweek taps a button on the inner metal. Craig, moving slowly, cautiously, raises his hands to test out the sliver of freedom.  “You don’t have to be afraid. We have a strong code against harming less-developed beings.”

“I’m not afraid,” Craig answers. Tweek is marginally disappointed by this, huffing shortly. Really he shouldn’t want him to be afraid at all, but a tidbit of cursory fear would have been nice. He’s fairly certain Craig is indeed, according to the scanners not afraid though, although there are some curious readings.

“Your heartbeat has picked up and your body has increased signs of stress,” Tweek tells him matter-of-factly, head cocked.

Craig pulls a pained expression. Baffled, Tweek double checks the readings to see his stress levels seem to be on the increase the more he looks Tweek up and down. Is Tweek giving off some kind of signal? Is it the way he’s standing, his tone? Taking that on board Tweek tries to relax his body to put the poor guy at ease. 

“I can’t believe how  _ human _ you look,” Craig murmurs instead, averting his gaze. 

“I don’t look  _ human _ ,” Tweek huffs, offended, planting his hands on his hips in irritation. “We both just fit the same mould. Nature gets lazy, you know. It finds a shape that works and then it sticks with it. Most people in the universe look like this, more or less.”

“No shit?” Craig says, rolling his shoulders back, wincing as they pop. “I figured there’d be all sorts of shapes and sizes.”

Tweek shrugs. “On oxygen-rich planets you might get bigger guys, but order is all about efficiency. What works, wins. Wow, you humans really  _ are _ far behind the rest of us if you haven’t figured that out. Earth is richly inhabited. You’ve got more than enough there to help you figure the basics out. Hell, you’ve even got extraterrestrial samples you’re pulling apart, and still don’t get it.”

“Give us a break,” Craig mutters sulkily. “Some of us are more progressive than the rest.” 

Tweek isn’t certain he believes that. Of course, this is his first real-life interaction with an actual human, so maybe he’s being a little unfair. Craig doesn’t seem like one of the bad ones, and Tweek definitely isn’t receiving any threatening vibes from him. Plus, he’s young for a human, and Tweek’s research has told him the young variety of humans do tend to be a little more liberal minded.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Tweek snorts though, because he doesn’t want to give this one too much credit, not yet. 

“Well if we’re so hopeless and so shitty, why’d you take  _ me? _ ”

Tweek’s mouth drops open in response. “What?” he shrieks. “You ran after my ship, shouting at me to take you!”

“Yeah! So why  _ did  _ you?” Craig shoots back. 

Tweek flounders for a moment, mouth bobbing open and closed.  _ Yeah Tweek, why did you? _ . “I-” he starts and then shakes his head, brow furrowing. He growls, “I haven’t figured that out yet.”

“Do you often take humans?” Craig asks. Then whispers, “Are you going to get me  _ pregnant?” _

Tweek balks, astonished a thought like that would ever cross his mind, let alone be voiced to another sentient being. What kind of fucked up stuff is  humanity into? Dissecting foreign species is one thing, but impregnating non-pregnable people?

“I thought you were  _ male?” _ Tweek responds, eyes widening before darting back to his holographic screen to double check. All the signs indicated that was still the case. Or were humans able to change sex at whim to fulfil some kind of ritual that--

“I  _ am _ ! I just thought-”

“What? That just because I have vastly superior technology I’d go around impregnating dudes? I mean sure, I could fix you up a uterus if you wanted one, but I wouldn’t just  _ do _ that. That’s unethical, man!” Tweek says, waving his hands to emphasise his point. He’s starting to feel twitchy and on edge all over again. Was Craig expecting him to experiment on him for kicks? Christ!

“Oh,” Craig says, dumbfounded. Is that a hint of disappointment in his voice, or is Tweek finally about to snap? Who in their right mind would-- “Well aren’t you at least going to anally probe me?” 

Tweek’s eyes bulged. “ _ What _ ?” he shrieks. “I have scanners!  _ Why _ would I want to stick a probe in your ass?”

Craig has the audacity to look annoyed by this, and it takes all Tweek has not to punch him right in the face and drop kick him back to where he picked him up. “Look if you don’t want to probe me, and I’m not interesting to you  _ why _ did you abduct me?” Craig demands. 

“I already told you! I didn’t  _ abduct  _ you,” Tweek snaps, insistent on making that clear just in case the Association comes down on him about this like a rockfall. “You  _ begged _ me to to take you with me. I haven’t exactly thought this shit through!”

“Yeah well, I wanted to get fucked by an alien. Trust me to find the only alien who doesn’t want to stick a probe in my ass,” Craig says sulkily. 

Utter disbelief carries Tweek back and forth in front of him, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. “Again, I have  _ scanners! _ And just because you humans struggle with concepts like consent doesn’t mean the rest of the universe does-” Tweek stops mid-rant, eyes bulging out in shock. “Wait, you want me to  _ what?” _

“Fuck. Or I don’t know,  _ mate _ or whatever your people call it,” Craig mutters dejectedly, idly kicking at the side of the console closest to him. “I know, I’m weird and I’m an idiot, you don’t have to tell me. I’m sure I’m absolutely repulsive to you and you want to dump me in a field somewhere. It’s fine. It's not like I have an ego left to crush.”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t objectify every visitor you have to your planet,” Tweek snaps, frowning. He softens then, casting his gaze over Craig in a way that’s really only appraising. He’s tall (taller than Tweek by a fair few inches, annoyingly) and toned, and his features are slight and soft, his ears gently rounded and not at all like Tweek’s sharp ones. He’s nice to look upon.

“And why in space Hell would you think I find you repulsive?”

Craig shrugs. “Well look at you. You’re beautiful and by my planet’s standards I’m a six at best.”

Tweek stares for a moment. In his cheeks he can feel tell-tale heat crawling across his skin up  over his nose. “Dude, I am not beautiful by my people’s standards, trust me. And maybe it’s because I don’t study humans too closely, but you’re pretty attractive to  _ me _ , you know?”

Watching closely, just in case, Tweek follows the path of the very human foot edging a little nearer to his. When Craig speaks again his voice is lower, undeniably suggestive sounding.

“So uh, do your people ever engage in same-sex, um,  _ relations _ ?” Craig asks. “Uh, I mean I’m assuming that you’re male too. No offence if I’ve got that wrong.”

“What else would I be?” Tweek cocks an eyebrow at him, puzzled as to why Craig is finding it that difficult to tell. Tilting his head he continues, “And wait. Do your people  _ not _ ?”

There’s a sound from the monitor that catches Tweek’s attention. He leans sideways to read the signs and blinks. “Oh!” he says in surprise. “The scanners show that you are very aroused.”

“Uhuh,” he breathes. “Is that weird?”

Weird, yes. But very, very intriguing. Tweek pauses to wonder what exactly it was he was doing that was affecting his human companion so much. Sure, he was pretty good in the sack. He knew the things to say to get the right reaction. But right now none of that was going on. 

“Kinda,” Tweek answers finally. “Humans are usually afraid in these situations. Or at least feel regret. They’re not usually-”

“Horny?” Craig finishes. He moves closer, brushing against Tweek’s ankle with so little subtlety Tweek is certain this time it’s intentional. 

“Huh,” Tweek says, studying Craig’s face. His eyes, Tweek realises, are a very pretty shade of blue, like clear tropical waters. “Your weird, round pupils are really dilated.”

“Yeah,” Craig croaks. “I’m aware of that. Is inter-species mating unethical to your people, Tweek?” 

Concerned Craig is starting to feel the after-effects of the furious pull of the tractor beam and the mind-bending speed at which the ship reached orbit, Tweek looks up to the monitor again, but there’s nothing untowards, only a rise in arousal figures accompanied by a rapidly increased  heartbeat, sweat levels and-- oh. 

Tweek stares down at him, thinks of his browser history littered with the kind of pornography that would make his mother faint. The thrill of the thought, of taking this possibly once-in-a-lifetime plunge into the unknown, the  _ forbidden _ is...really fucking hot.

A purple tongue darts out from between Tweek’s lips, wetting the lower. “Uh,” he says breathily. “Not really… although we generally don’t… don’t mess around with less-developed societies.”

“Would you maybe want to be a pioneer?” Craig asks. He parts his knees, opening them in invitation. Tweek watches the movement closely, swallowing, trying to determine if what he’s seeing as lining up with what his braining his processing.

“I, uh,” he responds, dazed as his eyes follows the lines of Craig’s slim legs, up to his crotch, knowing what’s lying there eagerly awaiting him. “I mean-” he shakes himself slightly, visibly forcing himself to focus on his face. “Okay, I need you to be clear here. Are you suggesting we have sex?”

There must be something in the manuals about this, somewhere in Policies and Procedures, but for the life of him Tweek can’t even remember which drive to find them on, let alone what that particular document would be called. And he isn’t sure he cares right now, either, not with an exceptionally pliant human giving himself over to his every whim.

“Yes, Tweek. I’m suggesting we have sex. I’ve been waiting for this moment for eight years and maybe I’m just a no one from a backwater planet to you, but if I can do this for humankind, I’ll have done something good with my life.”

“Well,” Tweek says, breaking off to clear his throat. “Well I mean I guess seeing if we’re biologically compatible is  _ one _ way to run tests on your species.”

“Right?” Craig quickly agrees. He can see from the monitor how interested Craig is in that idea. 

“And I mean, if it works it could possibly be a huge first step to building official relations,” Tweek continues, moving to kneel before Craig, eyes roving over his body. It’s true, Tweek thinks, nodding to himself. He’s only doing the Association a favour. This is for science and politics, nothing more, there’s absolutely nothing selfish about this course of action.

“ _ Huge.  _ Monumental,” Craig breathes, chest rising and falling. Tweek keeps an eye on the monitor just to make sure the poor guy isn’t about to have a heart attack. Although he’s a fine one to talk, because he can hear the thud of his own heart in his ears (and elsewhere).

“It could usher in a whole new era for this quadrant,” Tweek murmurs, slowly reaching out to slide a hand over Craig’s knee. It’s the first time they’ve touched. Tweek knows then and there that he only wants to touch more, to see  _ everything,  _ to feel  _ everything _ , however strange, however new. _. _ “We’d be heroes.”

“Heroes,” Craig echoes. He bites his lip as Tweek brushes the inside of his knee with his thumb. “And it’d be my chance to show not all of us are xenophobic.”

“Yeah,” Tweek agrees, although his eyes are faraway. “Definitely not xenophobic.”

“You’re warm,” Craig says, focused on the hand slowly exploring his inner thigh. For science.

“Did you think I’d be cold blooded? It’s too reliant on solar energy. Inefficient,” Tweek responds distractedly, crawling to lean over Craig, hand moving up to Craig’s hip to squeeze and pet. 

Tweek briefly yelps when Craig loops his cuffed hands around the back of Tweek’s neck and drags him up for a hungry kiss. Startled by it, he jerks away, eyes wide.

“Is this that thing humans do when they lick each other’s tongues?” Tweek asks, confused and extremely curious. It hadn’t occurred to him that some species might use their tongues for anything but the pleasure of his genitalia or the sounding out of words. To think his entire species had missed out on this, hadn’t explored something so obvious.

Craig looks up at him, stunned for a moment before uttering a small laugh. “Yeah, it’s called kissing. Don’t your people use your mouths during sex?”

“Not so much,” Tweek breathes, shrugging. “We tend to use our genitalia.”

“Yeah, we do too, but the mouth is full of nerve-endings, so kissing feels nice to us. Amongst other things,” Craig explains. To demonstrate his point, he leans up and pecks Tweek softly on the lips.

Tweek remains still, processing this new piece of information in a way he would genuinely describe as “working”. Distantly he wonders if the intricacies of human sex is something he can write a paper on. Especially if he’s experiencing it for himself first-hand. He doesn’t know of anyone who has fucked a human before… Was he really about to become the first?

He sure hoped so.

“The mouth is full of germs,” he says however, feeling it pertinent to make that point. “So it seems illogical. But then it’s also quite sensitive so maybe I’ll give it a try.”

Craig hums, busy dropping light kisses to Tweek’s lips and chin. “Maybe you should. For  _ science _ , and  _ diplomacy  _ and all that other shit we said earlier.”

That convinces Tweek well enough. A moment later he’s tipped his head and is very firmly and insistently pressing his lips against Craig’s. 

With a little more coaxing, Craig’s tongue manages to part Tweek’s lips. Craig’s tongue is rough and wet, and the taste lying there is fresh and new, sweet almost; pleasant. Despite the unfamiliarity, despite the sloppy, uncalculated way Tweek is kissing, trying to learn on the job, Craig emits a delighted moan. And Tweek can’t help himself, punctuating his enjoyment with a low moan of his own. 

In a single swift movement Craig shifts to wrap his legs around Tweek’s waist, tugging to pull Tweek’s hips down atop his own, lifting to rut excitedly. And then for reasons beyond Tweek, Craig freezes and Tweek wonders if he’s done something wrong and oh god, he’s already fucked it up, he’s fucked up his once chance, holy shit.

“Uh,” Craig says in a voice rich and lustful, “I thought you were male?”

Tweek looks down at their hips pressed tightly together. “I am. What the hell was that?”

“That’s what I’m asking  _ you _ ,” Craig insists. “There’s nothing there.”

“I can assure you that there  _ is _ . But more importantly, what the fuck is that lump?” Tweek demands, wriggling against the odd form pressed up against his pelvis. 

“My dick?” Craig answers, blinking owlishly.

Tweek returns the gesture. Cautiously he leans to one side, reaching between them to cup his hand over the front of Craig’s jeans. He doesn’t take any notice when Craig hisses. “It’s already ready to engage?”

“Well  _ yeah _ ,” Craig gasps. “I mean I’m pretty fucking horny, Tweek.”

“I’m horny too, asshole,” Tweek bites back. “But I at least wait until I’ve taken my pants off before I engage it.”

“Wait, wait,” Craig pants. He frowns, looking down Tweek’s body, but it doesn’t tell him anything useful. “You mean you  _ consciously choose  _ to make your dick hard?”

“Hard?” Tweek frowned. “What are you- Oh.”

“Oh?” Craig repeated. Oh dear. This seemed like it was turning into a small snag in the program. _ “ _ What Oh? What does  _ Oh  _ mean?”

“I’m just remembering human anatomy,” Tweek says ponderously. “I mean I knew the basics when we started this…  _ this _ but uh, I kind of forgot about how it works for you. Um.”

Craig takes a long breath in and out, closing his eyes. “Okay, we’re wired differently. That’s okay. When there’s a will there’s a way, right?”

Tweek relaxes under his grip a little, satisfied Craig isn’t about to launch him through the ceiling. “Yeah… we need to test this, right?” Tweek did move then, ducking out from under Craig’s arms, despite Craig’s protests. “Look, feel free to say no but can I take off your pants? I want to take a look at it.”

Craig nods eagerly. “Yeah. Yeah that’s fine.”

Sitting back Tweek studies him for a moment before getting to work. In no time at all the button and the zip or popped and down respectively  and his jeans and underwear are speedily down and off. Tweek’s eyes open wide, jaw slackening. It’s  _ fascinating _ , hard and peach and thick, the tip of it round and smooth, glistening.

“Is it  _ always  _ outside your body like this?” Tweek says breathily, unashamedly staring, his fingers eagerly twitching and excited to touch.

“Well yeah,” Craig answers. “Well not like  _ this _ . It grows and stiffens when I’m sexually aroused. Or excited. Or sometimes for no reason at all, really. But it gets hard like  _ this _ when I’m horny.”

Without warning, Tweek reaches out, cupping his balls in one long-fingered hand. “Are these your testicles? They’re outside  _ too _ ?”

“Yes,” Craig gasps. Tweek immediately lets go as if scalded and Craig moans at the loss. “No! No you can keep touching them. It’s uh, erotic,” he explains and Tweek feels relieved to hear that, reaching for them once again. “But uh yeah. Outside. All the time.”

“But doesn’t that leave you vulnerable?” Tweek asks, intrigued. Curiously he rolls them in his palm, delighting in the sensation of smooth silky skin, the shape of them. 

“Oh god,” Craig whimpers, tossing his head back. “Yeah… yeah they’re vulnerable. If someone kicked me there, I’d know.”

“You humans are built so strangely,” Tweek comments, making a mental note to be as gentle as he can with these odd little things dangling between his legs, awaiting impact. “But they feel nice to hold. Warm and fuzzy. It’s nice.”

“Yeah, definitely nice for me too,” Craig says, breathlessly agreeing. 

“And this is a human penis, huh?” Tweek continues, skirting his fingers up to the base of Craig’s shaft. He can feel the heat radiating from the appendage, swears he can see the vein scaling the side pulsing deliciously. “It’s so funny-looking. Is that really all it can do?”

“What do you mean?” Craig asks. 

“I mean it’s just lying there and twitching a little. Doesn’t it move?” Tweek asks with genuine interest. He really hopes that, if this is going to be a one-time-thing, he’s going to be able to remember all of these little details so he can catalogue them for his future award-winning paper that will change the fabric of everything anyone knew about humans and their sexual exploits. If there’s a market for that.

“It can move a little on its own, but it’s just a muscle. It’s made to penetrate. My hips are supposed to do most of the work,” Craig explains. 

“Huh,” Tweek says, cocking his head. Most of the races he’s familiar with have genitalia akin to his own, maybe a little longer or a little more flexible, but similar. “That’s so weird.”

“Well, how does it work for you?” Craig asks. Tweek doesn’t miss the eagerness in his tone.

He sits up then, taking a moment to steel himself for what he’s about to do.  “Okay,” he says, shifting to sit up on his knees and mess with the front of his own trousers. “But don’t scream hysterically or anything, okay. Yours was weird for me too.”

Tweek wrestles with several buckles on his pants, briefly plopping down on his ass to wriggle out of his boots and toss them aside out of the way. Easily then he shrugs out of his trousers, and casts them aside with his shoes, and then, back straightening, shrugs and vaguely gestures to himself, as if indiciating Craig is about to get a show. By the way Craig is staring, enraptured, Tweek sort of proudly thinks he is indeed giving him a show as his own penis unfurls from beneath him where it had been tightly and neatly tucked away inside.

Unlike Craig’s human penis, Tweek’s is muscular and textured underneath, small centimetre bumps running from base to tip. It’s similarly flushed a different colour where blood rushes most, a richer peacock blue-green at the tip which is rounded but tapered. Partly it had a mind of it’s own, undulating between his legs, eagerly reaching out for Craig who still was staring, open mouthed.

“Oh my God,” Craig breaths, trembling at the sight of it. 

“Dude, come on,” Tweek flushes then, ducking down a little as if he can hide or take back what he’s revealed. “See this is what I hate about humans. I didn’t freak about  _ yours _ even though yours is basically useless.”

“Oh my God, it’s  _ perfect _ ,” Craig gasps. Tweek catches his gaze, sees the look of sheer hunger there, the way he’s practically salivating on the spot. Tweek feels a tickle of pride, beyond pleased. 

“What? Seriously?” Tweek asks, still somewhat disbelieving and perhaps a little hopeful. 

“Jesus Christ.  _ Yes _ .” Craig nods, clambering awkwardly to his knees. He reaches out to touch, drawing his hand back when Tweek’s cock reaches out to meet him in return. “Is… oh my god. Is it prehensile?”

“Yeah,” Tweek says. “It’s just another limb to me, like my arm. Although I guess when I’m really excited it can have a mind of its own.”

“How do you uh… I mean how do you make it feel nice?” Craig asks. 

“Oh,” Tweek says, jolting. When his cock rears to reveal its bumpy underside, he feels a faint tinge of embarrassment. “Well it’s sensitive on the underside. That’s where all the nerves are. Oh, and the tip too. So I kind of find something to wrap it around, or I rub it.”

Eyeing up the wriggling appendage, Craig asks, “Do you have testicles?” 

“Of course I do. I’m a man. They’re just inside my body. Where it’s  _ safe _ ,” Tweek adds with an unnecessarily accusatory tone in his voice. In the back of his mind he thinks back to the conversation about giving Craig a uterus and absently wonders if he’d somehow be able to conceal his penis and testicles somewhere safe. That seems like a significantly more appropriate use of his skills than male pregnancy.

“Okay, point taken. My balls are dumb,” Craig huffs.

“Not dumb,” Tweek responds. Honestly, they’re dumb in the way they’re a ridiculous evolutionary flaw, but all the same he kinda likes to see them hanging there, fat and swollen and like they want to be gobbled up like ripe berries hanging from a tree. Yuuuum. “I told you that I like them. I think they’re weird, but cute.”

With what Tweek assumes is boosted confidence Craig reaches out to gently smooth his fingertips up the underside of Tweek’s dick. Watching carefully, he draws a shaky breath, trying not to make it obvious just how eager he is to press on, to press  _ in _ .

“Do you ejaculate out of it?” Craig says around a wheezy exhale, enchanted as the tip of Tweek’s tentacle dips to stroke his wrist, curious.

“W-well yeah,” Tweek says, equally as breathless. “How else would we get semen inside a female?”

“Or a male in my case?” Craig returns, sending Tweek a small smile. It makes Tweek’s heart pitter-patter in his chest, a sensation ironically alien to him; something in a long list of firsts Tweek is sentimental about and carries around in his heart and head as precious memories. 

Tweek takes a moment to respond, staring down at Craig with wide, intense eyes. “Ohgod,” he splutters after a couple of seconds have passed. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re kind of a slut?”

Craig flushes dark, his cock bobbing between his legs. Tweek watches it with growing interest “Yes,” he says. “Plenty of times. Does that bother you?”

“I’m pretty sure it doesn’t,” Tweek replies, throat contracting when he noisily swallows. How is that something that could ever bother him, especially Craig might end up being exclusively his. 

“Can I put it in my mouth?” Craig asks. He’s still tickling the underside, up and down, up and down, the gentle strokes lulling Tweek towards doing whatever this bloody human wants from him.

At the motion and the words both, Tweek’s dick offers a little wiggle and straightens out towards Craig’s face. “Oh god, calm down,” Tweek mutters weakly, covering his face with his hands. His cock has a habit of doing this, embarrassing him with its eagerness. And it’s been a while since he’s gotten any so he really can’t be blamed! There isn’t a lot on offer beyond his hand in the vast expanse of space. “Uh, sure. Just don’t use teeth. It’s sensitive.”

“Trust me, using teeth is a pretty big no-no with human cocks too,” Craig reassures, eyeing the appendage hungrily. As Craig shuffles close Tweek casts a glance towards the monitor, but quickly dismisses signs that are now well beyond what would be considered reasonably normal. 

Craig is still on his knees, still has his hands bound. Vaguely Tweek considers removing the cuffs - if this has all been an elaborate plan to get Tweek to let his guard down, not only is it working but Tweek is so turned on he really doesn’t give a shit so long as Craig is willing to suck his cock.

But when Tweek stops to think about it, the idea that this human is about to put his mouth on his dick while his hands are cuffed is hot as hell. And Craig, clearly, is  _ more _ than willing to comply, using his bindings to help cup his hands around Tweek’s eager cock, stroking the base with both hands in a way that’s practised and smooth. Yet despite his show of confidence Craig pauses.

“I uh,” Craig starts, coughing away the wobble in his voice. “Yours is a bit… bigger than a human dick so I uh. I mean I’m not bad at deepthroating but I mean. I might uh-” He breaks off, looking back up at Tweek. At the sight of Craig’s worried, nervous expression Tweek gently frowns, hoping he hasn’t lost interest, praying that, even worse, he’s not afraid. “I might… choke.”

Tweek’s eyebrows shoot up. He shakes his head, gripping his shoulders to ground them both “Dude, I’m not expecting you to take it all in. There’s only very few species who  _ could _ . Most of us just lick the tip, man.”

“What?” Craig squints up at him. “Okay? So why is the entire underside erogenous?”

“I told you. It’s all in the rubbing. Males tend to wraps theirs around each other and rub them together, or if you’re doing it with a female you’d-”

“I’m not interested in females,” Craig interrupts, shifting on his heels as the imagery sent a hot wave through him that settled in a knot somewhere between his balls and his asshole. “Tell me about how guys do it.”

Tweek frowns again, looking vaguely embarrassed. “Alright, but you’re coming across as a bit of a perv- oh.” Tweek stutters to a halt when Craig licks a slow trail up the underside of his tentacle, tongue trailing over sensitive little bumps, each one like it’s only little clit, each one as sensitive and alight as the next. 

“Oh  _ fuck _ .”

Craig pauses, drawing his tongue back into his mouth. Tweek looks down at him, eyes heavy and dark like he’s about ready to flip Craig over and do wicked things to every inch of him.

“Tell me about how males fuck.”

“It’s just, ah-” Tweek breaks off again as Craig starts licking the underside. Sucking in a breath and gritting his teeth, he continues, “we find a guy we like the look of, go somewhere private and touch and grind, I guess. We wrap our dicks together and rub and squeeze until we finish.”

Craig pulls back, studying Tweek’s face as Tweek’s dick caresses the side of his cheek, eager for more attention. Tweek can’t find the energy to calm it down, for the time being letting it do as it pleases. It would please him in the long run, and that was mostly what mattered. 

“You don’t stick it in?”

“Stick it in  _ where _ ?” Tweek asks, watching closely as Craig tilts his head to press kisses along his dick.

“In each other’s ass? Or have you got some other orifice to put it in?” Craig says, backing up a bit to lap at the very tip. Tweek curls over him in response, gripping his hair and carefully urging, feeling himself drawing closer and closer to losing control. 

“Wh-what is it with you and asses?” he says breathlessly, but he has a feeling he knows exactly what Craig is hinting at, where this scenario is likely to play out. And he isn’t against it. “Don’t you shit from there?”

“Yeah,” Craig says, using his thumbs to keep Tweek’s dick stimulated as he speaks. “But humans are built weird. We have a lot of nerves in there and it’s clean enough if you take care. It’s one of the ways men fuck on my planet.”

“Okay,” Tweek replies. He’s not entirely sold on the idea, but so long as he’s not gonna be the one with anything shoved up his ass today, he’s happy to get on board. “I guess if it feels good then it’s fine, right? I’ve seen something like that before a few times anyway.”

“You have?” Craig smirks and Tweek bristles with annoyance. Tweek is getting the feeling Craig has a mischievous side, but it by no means puts him off. The more he learns, the more he’s finding himself unbearingly endeared to their race, to Craig, even with his strange quirks and his desperation to be abducted and his growing fervent need to fuck a being outside his own species. 

But this isn’t fair the way Craig is teasing him. Not fair at all. 

“Are you going to show me your human skills, or not?” Tweek huffs. His cock flicks impatiently to emphasise his point. At least they can work together sometimes. 

Craig nods, going straight for gold and taking the tip of it into his mouth. 

Tweek groans in surprise, finding a human mouth remarkably proficient at offering wet, hot pleasure. His cock thrashes inside his mouth, eager for more, tantilised. When Craig begins to suck and slurp, Tweek grips his hair insistently, his dick squirming and sliding inside his mouth whilst what felt like hundreds of fingers fondled what didn’t fit in that wet heat, though his dick tried to fill more of him. Craig didn’t seem to mind, was excited in fact to have more of it stuffed between his lips.

Tweek is was elated, hips moving easily back and forth. He never though a human of all creatures could get his juices flowing this way, metaphorically and  _ literally _ considering his pre-cum is already overflowing, already making their movements slick and delicious.

Except, this apparently is a surprise to Craig who pulls off with a splutters, staring up at Tweek in disbelief. “Are you growing  _ wet _ ?”

“What?” Tweek breathes, his sex addled brain taking a few moments to find which page they’re on now. 

“That’s not all spit,” Craig says.

“Are you on about my natural lubricant?” Tweek asks, stupefied. Was this seriously yet another thing humans, human  _ males _ had no concept of despite engaging in same-sex intercourse. Fuck, they had a lot to learn.

Maybe this union was something genuinely needed to catapult the human race into modernisation like the rest of space.

“Are you stupid? Of course I am. I’m  _ horny _ .”

Slick and slightly slimy, Tweek’s undulating dick pushes easily through Craig’s hands and against his lips. His dick is definitely speaking on Tweek’s behalf, and it’s saying  _ you better keep sucking more or else.  _

“It’d get sore and chafe if it didn’t,” Tweek continues in the same matter-of-fact way as before. 

“Tweek.” 

“What?” Tweek says, eyes narrowed, suppressing the urge to demand he put his mouth back to good use instead of chatting. Tweek has very much had enough of Craig  _ chatting _ .

And thankfully a moment later Craig appeases him, languidly dragging his tongue up the underside, pausing to suckle every bump. Tweek feels his insides coiling, electric and hot, his lower half alight and twitching in excitement. 

“I want you to finish inside me.”

Is he begging? If he is, Tweek is beyond into it. He looks him over, delighted when Craig shifts onto his heels and spreads his legs. The unfamiliar, unattended cock bobs between his legs and Tweek follows its movement, wetting his lips once, twice. It’s thick and swollen and Tweek pauses to wonder what it would be like to have it inside him fat and hot, stretching him, filling him up. 

Well, he’s fucking a human being. Clearly he’ll try anything once. 

“Okay,” Tweek says slowly. He thinks back to sex education lessons in school and in college, about affirmative consent and open communication. Tweek figures it makes no difference who he’s talking to, who he’s engaging with in sexual exploration. People are people, feelings are feelings, hurt is hurt. The last thing Tweek wants is to inflict pain (unwanted pain) on anyone, least of all a being so much weaker than himself.

“But what if I hurt you?”

“You won’t,” Craig insists, the Tweek doesn’t know how he can possibly know that. “We’ll just take it slow. I’ll tell you if you’re hurting me.”

“Okay,” Tweek agrees, though he’s unsure and a little nervous.  He’s never put his cock inside another sentient being.

Craig slides his hands firmly and confidently up against the underside of Tweek’s cock, sweeping from base to tip and slowly squeezing. Tweek’s eyes flutter, the action drawing him straight back into the present.  Craig leans back in and settles fully on his knees, opening his mouth so his tongue can slip out to cushion the tapered tip of Tweek’s awaiting prick. 

Tweek’s dick is more eager than ever, near purring as it nuzzles against the wet flat of Craig’s tongue, traces the delightful ridges of his mouth. 

It feels incredible. 

“What are you doing?” Tweek asked suddenly. Craig is awkwardly twisted, the tip of his finger pumping in and out of his asshole. 

“I’m getting myself ready for you,” Craig grunts, licking his lips when Tweek seizes him by the hair and presses his face against his dick.

“Getting yourself ready?” Tweek asks. It’s new and it’s exciting, Tweek stretching to get a better look at where Craig’s finger is disappearing inside himself, in and out, in and out. Tweek tightens his grip and Craig whimpers, his smooth, rebellious dick flicking against Craig’s cheek to leave a slik trail of wetness. Craig tilts his head to kiss the happy appendage, lapping at every inch he can reach.

“Uhuh,” Craig grunts, eyes hooded.

Tweek can’t handle it anymore. He pushes Craig back, Tweek’s chest rising and falling almost as quickly. “Show me,” he demands, eyes trained only on Craig. 

Nodding quickly, Craig shifts onto his knees and leans forward, bending almost in half. Carefully, he rests his cheek on the ground for balance and reaches up under himself with his bound hands. His legs are shamelessly spread, and Tweek thinks it’s honestly the hottest thing he’s ever witnessed in his life.

Enraptured Tweek watches Craig reach up, prodding gently at his asshole. Is Craig returning the show? It definitely feels that way and Tweek is lapping it up - wants to physically lap it up - watching as Craig smoothes his fingers up and down his glistening taint, his moan like a firebolt to Tweek’s cock stretching and reaching towards that twitching, wanton asshole. 

With confidence Tweek has never seen Craig slips two fingers inside himself, fucking them in with smooth ease. 

“Craig,” Tweek  says, and Craig stops. Tweek immediately realises it’s the first time he’s called him by name, and he loves how it sounds between his lips, how it sounds when Craig is open and excited and vulnerable in front of him. His dick is throbbing and thrashing between his thighs. He’s hungry, desperate and he can’t take it any longer, draping across Craig’s back and gripping his hips, his cock rearing and coiling around Craig’s balls and cock. 

Tweek shoves away the hands pawing between them, amused when Craig snatches them free to push Tweek’s cock up against his own, slimy and sticky and wonderful. 

“Tell me if I’m doing it wrong,” Tweek husks in Craig’s ear, hot breath puffing against him and stirring his hair. 

Tweek wants to see Craig crumble beneath him, feel him come utterly undone. So without warning he slips two fingers up inside his asshole, finding it surprisingly easy to strike deep, enjoying the sensation of being encompassed in heat and twitching muscle, inquisitive in his exploration and slipping in deep, probing. 

Distantly Tweek wonders if this was the kind of anal probe Craig has been searching for and it tickles him for a moment before he comes to.

“Tweek,” Craig gasps, the noise dragging Tweek back into the present. “Tweek I’m good to go. Please for the love of God put it in me.”

“Just to clarify, by  _ it _ you mean my dick?” Tweek breathes against him, hoping beyond hope that is what he wants, because fucking hell it’s all he can think about right now. 

“Oh my  _ God. Yes! _ ” Craig wails. “Fuck me with it.”

“Okay, okay,” Tweek gasps, caught in the throes of excitement and terror, as though he’s experiencing his first time all over again (which had been quick and messy and frantic and now he can barely remember it. He hopes that won’t be the case on this occasion). “I’ve never done this before though, so you gotta say if I fuck up, okay?”

“Just… just go slow okay? We’ll figure it out,” Craig says, panting.

“Okay,” Tweek says from behind him, still terrified, nauseous even, yet excited beyond belief because of what he’s about to do, what no one from his species has ever done before, or any species before him. 

Steeling himself Tweek straightens behind him, allowing his dick to take the initial lead. It smooths wonderfully against Craig’s ass before finding the eager twitching hole awaiting it, making a delicious  _ shlurp  _ as it slides inside, pulsating with energy. Inside feels so much more exhilarating than Tweek’s fingers, so much hotter, so much more encasing and firm. His prick explores deep, deep enough at least, recognising the boundaries of Craig’s body and enjoying them, manipulating them to make him squirm and cry beneath Tweek’s body. 

Tweek can’t believe he’d made it entirely inside, can’t believe this is something uncommon to so many others. 

Bowed over Craig’s back, he whispers, “ “Are you okay? You didn’t say to stop. Are you okay?”

“Nrghh,” Craig grumbles back. It isn’t enough to reassure him. He smooths his hands up and down his side, squeezing his hips. 

“Craig?” Tweek prompts, worried. 

“M’okay,” Craig garbles. “Good.”

Tweek hopes the staccato responses are a good sign, and so he starts to move, gripping Craig’s hips more tightly as he shifts his hips, his eager cock rolling and wriggling inside him. The heat around him is incredible, unbelievable, and his own wetness makes every movement slick and sweet, every sound a tickle of pleasure echoing around his nethers. 

In time with his own movements Craig begins to shift and moan, noisy and wanton. Tweek is careful not to push too much, to keep some semblance of control over his dick so it doesn’t go overboard, doesn’t cause hurt in its journey to completion. It’s overwhelming, it’s insane, it’s all the words Tweek can’t conjure in that moment, utterly wrapped up in sensation and heat, his dick burrowed so far up Craig’s ass he isn’t sure it’ll ever re-emerge, if it ever wants to re-emerge, instead staying connected this way for eternity. 

Tweek is the romantic sort, gentle and appeasing. And despite his actions in the throes of sex he always, always wants the best for his partner, to satisfy them every which way. With touches gentle and careful Tweek begins to pet and stroke, caressing the slim expanse of Craig’s back down to the delicate slope of slim hips and down to the rise of his ass so eagerly taking the length of his cock. 

But there’s more to explore, and explore Tweek does, smoothing fingertips over the firm expanse of his abdomen and up to his chest, enjoying pert nipples and then travelling back down. 

Craig’s cock is hard and wet when Tweek finds it, curiously exploring its every inch, the texture, the heat, the way it throbs and twitches in his palm.

Suddenly then the heat around Tweek’s dick begins to pulse and twitch, tightening around his cock in the most delicious, enticing way.  Craig’s dick is heavy in his hand, moving in a way deliciously unique to his own, and then his orgasm hits, a stuttering, amazing spasm extracting strings of ejaculate that coat his long fingers and Craig’s belly and the pristine cockpit beneath them. 

Craig’s cries of pleasure spur him on. They’re tired and desperate, but all Tweek can do is increase his efforts, chasing his own orgasm in light of Craig’s, not wishing to hold back, not able. 

“Oh God,” he gasps, wetting dry lips, slathering Craig’s cum over his belly, his hip when he grips it once more, enjoying the damp sensation webbed between his fingers. His movements don’t cease, caught in the rolling tide adhering to its whims, fuelling his desire and urging him on. 

At once another throbbing pressure takes hold of him, dragging him inside this deep hot body, encouraging more, more, more. Tweek can’t help but succumb to it, his fingers tight around Craig’s hips as his cock does the work, spiralling and twisting, straightening and twitching inside the hot, sticky cavern that is Craig’s ass. 

And then it’s happening, that  _ thing _ , that legendary thing Tweek knows his species is capable of. He feels the tingle in his tailbone and the the aching, wonderful sensation of a thing alien even to him extending from his body, long and flexible and eager as his cock as a second more powerful, more exhilarating orgasm is torn from Craig’s shaking form. Without thinking about it Tweek presses the head of his awakened appendage against his lover’s lips, and trooper that he is, Craig opens his mouth to take it, to let it explore the hot and wet interior of his mouth. 

Below, Tweek’s tentacle thrashes and trembles and suddenly, achingly, Tweek knows the time has come, knows his own orgasm is about to rush over him wave after wave after wave. Groaning noisily, unabashed, he grips bruisingly tightly to Craig’s hips, both tentacles pulsing with abandon in both willing holes. 

And then, it’s quiet but for the rush of air, the gasps for breath.  

Slowly, Tweek stirs atop him, straightening up and gripping his hip as he pulls them apart. Craig slips to the floor face-first in a puddle of his own drool. Tweek’s tail slips from from Craig’s mouth, shrinking back from where it had come. Craig is lying still on the floor before him.  

“Was that okay?” Tweek asks. Despite his confidence in the sack, fucking another species is not something he’s familiar with. 

“Nrghh,” Craig groans. 

On wobbling legs Tweek rises to his feet, only briefly leaving to collect a damp cloth. “Easy,” Tweek murmurs when he presses it up between Craig’s cheeks, gentlly wiping. “I’m just cleaning you up. I uh, came a lot.”

“You don’t say,” Craig says scratchily. Tweek cleans him in silence, gentle and thorough, and then carefully turns Craig onto his back, disengaging the cuffs and picking up Craig’s hand to carefully stroke his wrists.

When their eyes meet, Tweek has the good grace to blush. “So uh, I guess we figured it out.”

Seeming exhausted, Craig nods. “I guess we did.”

“Did I uh,” Tweek begins, perching beside him, still naked from the waist down. His dick has curled back into itself now and it sort of looks adorable like a curled up, sleepy puppy. “Did I do okay?” 

“Considering you made me cum twice without even touching my dick, I think you definitely did ‘ _ okay _ ’,” Craig says, coughing at the soreness in his throat. 

“Oh, was I supposed to touch it during sex?” Tweek asks. He ducks his head at the look Craig gives him, feeling a trickle of inadequacy. “Okay, yeah. That makes sense.”

“Next time, please ensure you do. It fucking  _ hurt,”  _ Craig complains. 

Tweek winces, feeling a little ashamed for not having figured out this snippet. “Sorry. It wasn't intentional.”

Craig nods. Then he shifts, nudging Tweek playfully. “So, was your first encounter with a human alright?”

Startled Craig would even ask based on the evidence of just now, Tweek laughs. “Oh yeah. I’m definitely a fan.”

“Good,” Craig says, seeming relieved. “That’s… yeah. That’s good. I’m glad.”

They lapse into silence.. Tweek isn’t certain what the post-coital customs of humans are,  but he knows he doesn’t mind when Craig reaches up to pull Tweek into a long, slow kiss. He can definitely get used to this kissing thing.

When they break apart, Craig holds him close, keeping their lips only a breath apart. “It was everything I’ve ever wanted,” he admits, and in him Tweek senses vulnerability and loneliness akin to those he’s felt himself for so many years. In response he smiles, caressing the soft skin of Craig’s jaw.

“Yeah well, who’d’ve thought that a cute creep from Earth would be such an amazing lay?”

“It doesn’t have to end.” 

Tweek swallows noisily. Sure, he was into it. Sure it was an incredible experience. But it’s frowned upon. It’s heavily hinted against. And Tweek has fucked up enough in his life not to want to do it again. 

Slowly he sits up, looking anywhere but at Craig. “It’s not that easy, Craig. I broke a ton of regulations by bringing you on board.”

“So?” Craig says, struggling to sit up next to him. “I came willingly. Come on, Tweek. Let me show you what humans can do. I mean, what are the odds that we managed to be totally compatible with each other?”

Tweek chews his bottom lip. “I mean, you  _ are  _ an interesting case for humans.”

“Exactly. I could help you out around here with your, uh, smuggling?” Craig ventures. 

“ _ Data-collection _ and  _ surveying _ ,” Tweek growls, insulted. Now even this bratty little human thinks his job sucks. He’s not wrong, but that’s not the point. 

“Okay, data-collection and surveying. At the very least I can let you collect data on  _ me _ .”

Tweek’s eyes rake over him.  _ Oh _ the data he wants to collect.

“I don’t know, Craig. If you change your mind it could take months to get you home. Won’t you miss your family?”

“Sure,” Craig says, shrugging. “But honestly, I’m lonely, Tweek. I don’t fit in down there and honestly, after meeting  _ you _ , I don’t think I’m ever going to be happy with a human man. Not knowing  _ you’re  _ out there.”

Tweek regards him for a long moment. Craig stares back, and in that moment Tweek knows this is it. The decision is made. This….this is forever. 

“Okay,” Tweek relents. “Maybe… maybe as a trial basis we could give it a go.” Before Craig had a chance to cheer, Tweek pins him with fierce scowl. “But there are rules: firstly you do not press any buttons I don’t give you permission to press. Second, you’ll do what I tell you to when I tell you to do it. And thirdly, you’ll let me learn how to play with your dick.”

“Oh god. Yeah. I agree.”

Tweek nods in response. “It’s a  _ trial  _ though, Craig.”

“Mmhmm,” Craig hums, turning and leaning against Tweek. Tweek knows it’s already too late for him. He’s going to let this irritating little human have his way no matter what, no matter when, no matter how.  “How far are we from Earth?”

Tweek hums, flicking his hand up to summon a screen. “About four hours.”

“Do you think I might be able to leave my parents a message? I don’t want them to worry,” Craig asks. 

“What exactly are you going to say to them? That you left Earth to bone an alien?” Tweek says sarcastically. Part of him hopes that’s exactly what he’ll say. 

“I dunno yet, but I have hours to think about it.” Craig pauses to stretch his aching limbs. “Fuck, I could do with a shower. Or a bath. You don’t have one of those on this tin can do you?”

“You’re an asshole,” Tweek drawls. “I do have a bath as it so happens. But I’m not fucking carrying you there.”

He wants to carry him there, but Tweek figures he’s already given in to enough of this guy’s whims as it is and he doesn’t want to seem like a  _ pushover.  _ However, he does offer Craig a hand up, who takes it graciously.

“Dude, wait. Do you have a fucking  _ tail?”  _ Craig gasps. 

Tweek tilts his head, glancing back behind himself to where it’s happily swaying. Wagging? Wagging like those furry things humans fawn all over?. “Oh, uh. Yeah. Sometimes.”

“What do you  _ mean _ ‘sometimes’?” 

“I dunno, man. Sometimes I use it to swim with. And sometimes,” he breaks off, embarrassed. “It kinda pops out when I’m  _ really _ excited.”

“Oh.” Craig straightens when realisation hits him. “Wait a minute is  _ that _ what you shoved in my mouth at the end?”

Tweek blushes blue under his accusation. It’s not like he can control it... “Well what did you  _ think _ it was?” 

“Not a  _ tail _ ,” Craig answers. “Jesus Christ.”

“Oh, so  _ that’s  _ gross to you?” Tweek snaps. 

“No!” Craig says, turning to fix him with an infatuated stare. “Oh god no. It only gives us  _ more _ opportunity.”

Inwardly, Tweek rolls his eyes. That’s it. He’s in love. 

\---

 


End file.
